I got home about a half hour ago, all ready to jump into bed to wake up and face a bright and sunny Friday before what's expected to be a very nice long weekend.
I can't sleep though. I've been feeling kind of down lately. Work's been stressful. I'm working on a big project with many potential outside partners, and to participate in the wheeling and dealing is just exhausting. There are people representing all three levels of government, other non-profits, academic institutions, regular citizens and IT consultants who speak another language (XML, GML, OGDE, SVG, ESRI - the list goes on - I know what these stand for now, but if anyone wants to make up some phony terms that fit those acronyms, it would amuse my currently unamused self).
Partnerships, collaboration, strategic alliances...sometimes I'd like to extract myself from a meeting and be a fly on a wall observing all the interactions that go on between people. I'm learning a lot more about reading people (body language, certain inflections in the voice, etc.) and I'm trying to figure out how to react when I observe certain things, which would really benefit my dealings with people. All this is very fascinating for me, which is only one of the reasons I like this project.
But then...the next meeting comes and I almost psych myself out: I try to suppress certain thoughts about how I'll be perceived, whether I've got the "right stuff" to pull this off, but it's hard. I'm an asian female under 30 who just wants everyone to get along and needs to be more assertive. I'm no hardliner and I really don't want to be one. I'm stuck in a world (as with most other women in almost all professions) where older, egotistic white males who think they're all that dominate. I shouldn't let it bug me, and not all the men I deal with are like that (and similarly, not all women are easy to get along with either), but listening to the radio and reading the paper the past of couple of days has not re-assured me that my situation is unique.
Just read about Belinda Stronach (see sections: "Break with the Conservatives", "Reaction to Stronach's move") and you'll know what I'm talking about. Why can't people just focus on the issue of party loyalty and not bring up her looks or call her a whore? It is truly frustrating.
So where am I going with this? Well, I guess if I go back to my situation, yes, maybe I am in an unjust world, but what it comes down to is that I believe in what I'm doing, I am excited about getting this partnership stuff sorted out, and all I really need to do is stand up for myself. I have to keep at it - what else can I do? My boss keeps saying, it's a challenge, but once we get through this, it'll be a huge accomplishment. In reality, I can't accept any other alternative, because the other possibility is failure. I've tasted success before, so I'm going to get myself out of this self-depracating mood and keep plugging away. I have to - how can I pass up a chance like this to make a difference?
posted by Sonia @ 11:51 p.m.
3 comments
