Been awhile...
My sister moved back into the house a little while ago. In an effort to re-integrate all the "stuff" she's brought back from her apartment, including various items her roommate left behind because she moved back out West, we've been trying to once and for all get rid of all that junk that gets shoved under the bed, in closets and desk drawers, the useless nick nacks that pile up on virtually any flat surface in a room and any other "things" that have accumulated dust over the years.
One of the things I found while doing all this cleaning and reorganizing was an old diary I kept when I was 8-9 years old. I remember that I'd gotten the diary for a gift, and thought it was quite cool...that is, until my dad saw it and decided that it was a good idea to incorporate a "daily diary entry" into my homework routine! So, instead of writing in the diary when I felt like I needed/wanted to, I had to do it as a requirement. This diminished my interest such that most of my entries were reduced to boring bits of wasted paper. However, I did manage to find a few gems. Maybe if I'm bored one day I'll post a few, spelling mistakes, unfinished sentences and poor grammar included. In the meantime, back to the shoe box it'll go, with all my other items of nostalgia. It'll be funny for me to read again sometime in the future...a bit of history that reminds me of "me" as a kid.
How does it happen that we can associate certain sounds, smells, or places with events, or people, or other places? Today while walking up the steps at Kipling subway, the dampness and humidity reminded me of swimming lessons when I was a kid. The mustiness of the hallways at Innis College remind me of the bio building at Waterloo. Those "Holiday" candles from the Gap remind me of vegging in res in first year. And maybe I shouldn't include this, but people with B.O. remind me of a certain smelly person at Sheridan College :S boo...
Good or bad, these reminders usually hit me out of the blue.
Sometimes though, I'll know what they are, and seek them out. Sarah's songs. Starry skies. Beaches at night. Wings. Abercrombie and Fitch. Beetles (eek). Sheep emoticons (to the rescue!). The Cranberries. "Hey...wha happened?"
I'll laugh, I'll smile. I'll think of you, I'll think of us.
You're not so far away right now, but fast asleep, I'm sure ;) I think now's a good time to pop Sarah into the cd player...
I've logged on numerous times over the past week in an attempt to record my thoughts. As you can see, I haven't been successful. I have a tendency to keep what's "in my head" in my head. Sure, I'll talk about what's going on my life, and certain things that are bugging me. But my real fears, my real stresses and worries, my real beefs - those I keep mostly to myself, possibly a select few, or most often, to one person. I know it's unfair for me to do this. It's unfair for me to not confide in friends when they trust me so much to confide in me. It's unfair for me to burden one person with all of my mind dumps. And it's unhealthy for me to keep things inside.
I suppose I just don't want to seem weak to other people. By voicing my concerns, I feel that those concerns become more real. If I keep them in my head, maybe they'll go away or I'll figure out a way to deal with them. This doesn't always happen though. Instead, I'm left feeling anxious and unsettled.
I even have a hard time letting others know my goals, my hopes and my dreams. It's not that I think people will say, "That's not possible". It's that I, myself, think that I may not make those hopes and dreams a reality, that I'll fail. It's the thought that I might not be able to fulfill the goals I've set for myself, that I'll fall flat on my face, that prevents me from telling others, and maybe even from putting my whole heart into what I really want.
This isn't even what I intended to blog about in the first place, but I guess you can't really control this sort of thing. Maybe I needed to get this out there so that I can organize my other thoughts and finally get them out there, out here.
Be ready for a possible flood.
